I didn’t think I would actually write this year. But it is important that I do.. that I remember this day and can look back at it next year and see how the sixth year went for me.
I’d say that out of the six years I’ve now been clean that this one just the last 6 months have been the most trying most difficult but most rewarding. It is crazy to think back to this day and really really take a look at where I was six years ago. September 22. 2005 and onto the 23 I was ridiculously not “checked” in. I can so vividly remember my mom taking off my door and making me kneel while she prayed for my soul. I found it such a joke but how thankful am I today. I had my mama praying and begging God to move in me and for me to quit using meth. He answered her prayer even though I didn’t fully realize it at that point. This morning I’m not sure why but the Wednesday before all of this went down September 21 I remember being at youth group and feeling so convicted but not knowing what that even was at the time. I just felt so rotten and like everyone knew what I was doing, I felt like a fraud and like I didn’t belong.
Looking back I see how God had been preparing me for the surrendering I would be doing the next couple of weeks. It started with deciding that September 23 that I would never ever do meth again and it continued the next couple weeks as I decided to leave Monroe and go to that winter retreat at Angels Crest. There although I can’t remember the message like at all, I surrendered my life to Christ I realized the depth of my sins and how much of a Savior I really needed. He showed me that I could not find fulfillment in drugs or any other self destructive thing that I had been doing over the years.
Today I’ve been reminded of who I was and the fact that I never have to be that person again. I no longer have to feel empty and like I need to self medicate. Jesus is all I need and I pray that He will always be all that I need. The cross is what has gotten me this far.. but not the wooden thing no the person who gave their life on it. I am forever thankful that I’ve been ransomed that I’ve been redeemed that I’ve been made new.
Although this year a few temptations have crept back up God reminded me constantly of His Son and the fact that I don’t need to turn to those any more.
Thank you x a gazillion Lord. I pray that this next year.. the 7th year I’ll be clean that I continue giving the glory to you and realizing the depth of my sins and not forgetting how important You are and how important what You did on the cross for me is.
It’s amazing to me how much love I can feel towards one person. Even if I know my actions don’t always show that. But hey I definitely am not perfect. To sit and reflect on the day and all that has happened or hasn’t happened both makes me sad and happy. But no matter what at the end of the day that love is still there. Still as deep if not deeper then when I woke up this morning. To know that God has blessed me with such a beautiful amazing God-fearing goofy man makes me want to happy cry. I just can’t grasp the man God has given me! I
stand sit here in awe that He would show His love to me through you. From the way you express yourself to the way you will stand in the kitchen talking to my mama to the way you’ll stand in a high school hall with me for my sister to the way that you’ll stay strong and not give into temptation to just go find her…. to the way you kiss me good bye no matter how annoyed you are with me..
Sometimes it is much easier to type the thoughts that go on in my head. Thank you for being patient with me when I keep everything inside and don’t use my words. For showing me all that love can be. For never giving up on me no matter how upset I can make you. I love you more then these simple words can explain.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
How beautiful it is to look back at who I was before Jesus Christ rescued me. Two years ago when I was a lukewarm christian I had not one ounce of desire to cook. I had always thought or planned to get a good paying job so that I could pay someone to do all the cooking and cleaning for me. But now oh how joyful and blessed I am when I cook or bake for people, especially for Dj. (Granted the Lord is still working on the cleaning part) Tatiana brought it to my attention that I have cooked something everyday since Saturday! How awesome is that. I put on some worship songs and get busy. I have found it to be quite thee quality time with my Father.
Isn’t it awesome to think of how Jesus has changed my heart and personality?
September 23, 2005
Five years of growing, changing and maturing. I’ll never forget my mom making me kneel and her praying over me. From that moment on God seriously started softening my heart minute by minute. Five years of not using meth today. I no longer have the desire to touch it let alone any other drug again because of God. It’s amazing that I never thought I’d feel like this.
He’s taken me so far and it’s amazing to know that it isn’t because of me. It’s not something Cecilia has done. All glory and honor and praise goes and belongs to God.
I’m so beyond thankful (and blessed) for were He has brought me. He took me from my lowest point and welcomed me with arms wide open.
It has been one roller coaster this last 5 years. Many ups and downs but with each down I’ve had much more growth and ups. I can proudly say today is my birthday. Five years, Thank you Lord for bringing me this far, for giving me a new reason to live a reason to look to and seek You above any thing that this world has to offer.
So tonight as I was taking off my makeup and washing my face I started to think about my life before Jesus. Five and a half years ago there would not be a night that I was taking off my makeup before bed. I was always so afraid that it’d be the night my heart would stop working because of all the meth I had taken through out the day that I would stay up and make sure my makeup was on 100% perfect.. you know just in case I ended up not waking up.. I wanted to look beautiful for whoever found me. I had to make sure I would lay in bed looking perfect. It’s amazing how things can so suddenly change. Five years ago I did not see myself being clean yet alone a young woman following the Lord!
My 5th birthday is next month, I can’t believe it’s here already. Then in October it’ll be 5 years since giving my life to Jesus Christ. I love that the temptation and thoughts that i’d slip and use again have pretty much left they no longer tempt me. God has pulled me through that stage of my life. I now know I do not need to depend on any type of substance except Him. And it’s even cooler/amazing/wonderful/awesome/crazy that He is the one who has grown me and molded me into the woman that I am today. I can proudly, boldly stand up and proclaim that I was only able to quit using because of Jesus Christ.
I pray that the next year and the years to follow will remain how they are now…but even better. God has blessed me with so much just by me giving my life to Him.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galations 2:20