Last night I felt the need to make a list, a list of all my past and recent sins. The night came and went and I did not do it.
So this morning I woke up and still felt the need to make this darn list. It was hard to write down the things I’ve done.. to see how gross sin is and how one ties into the other so easily. It broke my heart to see what a horrible person I used to be and the hurt and pain I may have caused other people that were in my life at that time. You see God has shown me the depths of my sins and how they affect so many. As I was writing them down I couldn’t help but cry and realize how lost and broken I once was, but thanks be to God that they don’t hold me down. I am not chained up to who I used to be. This realization gave me such joy and made me so thankful that I have a Daddy who loves me so unconditionally. It made me so thankful that Jesus would live a perfect life just to take my place on the cross.
As simple as this realization was it was what I needed. Although in the beginning I didn’t understand why making the list was something that had to be done I understand now. The grace that has been given isn’t something small it isn’t something that should be taken lightly. It has defined me and made me new. I am a sinner saved by grace. How beautiful are those words.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:7
I didn’t think I would actually write this year. But it is important that I do.. that I remember this day and can look back at it next year and see how the sixth year went for me.
I’d say that out of the six years I’ve now been clean that this one just the last 6 months have been the most trying most difficult but most rewarding. It is crazy to think back to this day and really really take a look at where I was six years ago. September 22. 2005 and onto the 23 I was ridiculously not “checked” in. I can so vividly remember my mom taking off my door and making me kneel while she prayed for my soul. I found it such a joke but how thankful am I today. I had my mama praying and begging God to move in me and for me to quit using meth. He answered her prayer even though I didn’t fully realize it at that point. This morning I’m not sure why but the Wednesday before all of this went down September 21 I remember being at youth group and feeling so convicted but not knowing what that even was at the time. I just felt so rotten and like everyone knew what I was doing, I felt like a fraud and like I didn’t belong.
Looking back I see how God had been preparing me for the surrendering I would be doing the next couple of weeks. It started with deciding that September 23 that I would never ever do meth again and it continued the next couple weeks as I decided to leave Monroe and go to that winter retreat at Angels Crest. There although I can’t remember the message like at all, I surrendered my life to Christ I realized the depth of my sins and how much of a Savior I really needed. He showed me that I could not find fulfillment in drugs or any other self destructive thing that I had been doing over the years.
Today I’ve been reminded of who I was and the fact that I never have to be that person again. I no longer have to feel empty and like I need to self medicate. Jesus is all I need and I pray that He will always be all that I need. The cross is what has gotten me this far.. but not the wooden thing no the person who gave their life on it. I am forever thankful that I’ve been ransomed that I’ve been redeemed that I’ve been made new.
Although this year a few temptations have crept back up God reminded me constantly of His Son and the fact that I don’t need to turn to those any more.
Thank you x a gazillion Lord. I pray that this next year.. the 7th year I’ll be clean that I continue giving the glory to you and realizing the depth of my sins and not forgetting how important You are and how important what You did on the cross for me is.
Out on the farthest edge,
there in the silence
You were there
My faith was torn to shreads,
my heart in the balance
You were there
You still have me
You still have my heart
I have to back up some like a lot of some. Earlier this year the person that I was growing closer to and serving beside had to step down and leave our youth group and ultimately my life to an extent. God also used Bre to teach me how awesome He is. And how although sometimes I don’t see things a certain way eventually it will make some type of sense. I love Bre-Ann more then words can express. The few months that we were serving together God used her in many ways in my life.
But when she had to leave it was so hard on me. I felt so alone and struggled feeling like I had no one I could talk to or go to. Or just hang out and work out and laugh and polish our nails haha. I had for so long missed having that girlfriend in my life and God brought Bre into my life although not for a long time. I know that in the few months she was serving at Alive we bonded in ways that will keep us friends until well until forever! I know I’m going to be a brides maid in her wedding and her and Brandi will both be in my wedding party! Through Bre God has shown me to pray for that fellowship to pray and trust that He will bring someone into my life to bond with and just idk be a girl with. I love Dj a whole lot but he isn’t a girl! Now fast forward……
So in the weeks that followed my Grandpa passing God continued to soften my heart and prepare me for what He would teach me at Unstained Summer Camp. I never thought that a youth camp I was serving in would break me and teach me in so many different ways! To start off with I was super nervous about camp!! I was spiritually attacked the week before with thoughts of doubt and depression and just questioning if I would be able to lead all these girls by myself without another girl leader or the older youth girls I’d usually lean on for help and understanding. But God raised up my sister to step it up and really help me and help the girls. God used Tatiana leading the girls in her dorm in awesome ways! I can’t get the image of going into their dorm to make sure they’re awake to see them not only all awake but also all ready and having a time of devotions! It was so so so encouraging and amazing and a blessing. Another awesome thing this camp did was wake our kids up! A month after camp and I am still seeing these kids so excited about Jesus and really living a life for Him. I witnessed kids praising the Lord that have never shown any interest in even singing to Him. As well as the honesty that the girls showed it was so beautiful and life changing and just wow. God is so awesome whoever you are reading this!
What God had put on Djs heart to teach us just blew me away. This by far has been the greatest most convicting camp I’ve ever gone to. There were so many things I learned that stain me.. but it also made me so so so incredibly thankful for the blood that was shed for me. To think that when I get to Heaven my robe is going to be a brilliant white while Jesus’ has stains on it. It seems so unfair I am so unworthy of Jesus but thats just how much God loves me. I was knocked on my butt by learning about the indifference I can have towards people and situations. As i’m typing this out I’m realizing again how the stain of indifference has crept back into my life (time to do some more constant surrendering). I can’t live a life of saying I love certain people but not share Jesus with them. I can’t allow pride to get in the way of relationships that I hold dear to my heart. So often I can elevate myself above others without knowing. My opinion is not better then another’s… and NO Cecilia you are not always right! God used this camp to open my eyes to sin.. both the sins on the surface and the internal sins that were so and still are so entwined with who I am that I don’t notice.
God up until this day has been breaking me I really don’t know how it’s possible to be broken so much but still be in one piece… I suppose that’s the beauty of being the daughter of one amazing Father.
I was so ready today to give up and just sin but you know God has confirmed in me that I need to continue striving to depend on Him and His understanding. By God’s strength I don’t have to go back to who I was. I need to remember that and allow Him to use other’s to humble me.
I feel like I went on one giant tangent and haven’t fully gotten out everything I don’t know if it’s possible to say all that God has done in me. I pray that you don’t see me. I’m not the captain.
About the whole friend situation I was going through and feeling like I had no one when Bre left. I finally surrendered the whole ache i felt to the Lord. And He brought Mellisa back into my life, my oldest friend who God has also done mighty things through. We need to trust that He can take care of every situation that comes up. He knows our hearts He knows our desires!
Surrender daily Cecilia.
God has shown me so much the last couple of months, the last year. I started out the year hoping and praying that this year would be like none other that I’d be on fire the whole year and just stay focused on Christ and die to myself. But as the
months weeks passed by I quickly returned to the lazy indifferent girl. But by the end of June God started showing me how fragile life is and how quick a life can end.
My Nana Minnie got really sick and was taken to the ICU on my birthday and my family and I made the trip to Arizona. Not knowing what was going to happen with my grandma broke me in ways I didn’t know I needed breaking. I started to depend on God in ways I honestly never have before. The week I was in Arizona I was able to fellowship with my baby sister Angelina and just really allow God to move in and through me. The week I was away from home and the comfort of home God started changing me and opening my eyes, it’s almost unbelievable except the fact that I’m living it. Thankfully my Nana is still here with us. And God is still using her to teach me and I hope my family that is around her daily. When I came home I tried to continue on the road I was when I was in Arizona but like much of everything I do it fizzled out.
Until July 24th… I had just come back from camping with my future in-laws and much of my church family. Which was for some reason a rather difficult couple of days I was sad and distant. On our way home my mom called me and said they were leaving for Arizona because my Grandpa Don was in the hospital and it wasn’t looking too good. When I got home about 1.5 hours later my Grandpa passed away. I’ve never had to really mourn the loss of a family member. When my Tia Rachael died I turned to drugs, and just really destructive things. I did now know how to react. Being a christian and losing someone you love is a different angle though. When I found out I just automatically started packing like my parents were going to come back, but then I realized how foolish that was. Then the tears started and I allowed myself to feel that pain and confusion. But in the midst of my tears I blasted the song I’ll Follow You by Evan Wickham and worshiped the Lord. Although I wanted to seclude myself I told Dj and he helped me more then I think he realizes through the following week.
Through my grandfather passing God has completely opened my eyes and shown me the importance of sharing Jesus with the world and truly seeking Gods comfort and love and depending on the Spirit. There is such a need for Jesus our Savior and God our Father. Although sorrow was so present and still is i’m so joyful and thankful that God has blessed my mom with amazing parents and me with thee most wonderful grandparents a girl could ask for. My heart still aches especially when I see how torn up my mama is but I know that through this God is going to show us things and grow us and I know He works all things out for my good. I just need to continue seeking Him and leaning on Him in my weakness.
There is still so much more I have to tell whomever took the time to read this what God has been doing in me. But that will be coming in another post =]
As He entered a village, ten leprous men who stood at a distance met Him; and they raised their voices, saying, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!” When He saw them, He said to them, “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” And as they were going, they were cleansed. Now one of them, when he saw that he had been healed, turned back, glorifying God with a loud voice, and fell on his face at His feet, giving thanks to Him. Luke 17:12-16
I just read this and I kinda can just say “wow” this is such an eye opener. Jesus cleansed me! Not just a one time thing it is something daily. There is always going to be sins that I need to be cleansed from. There are always going to be health problems and well just ‘life’ problems in general and Jesus can fix all of those. How often do I not turn back and realize, the good things that are happening or the things that were once horrible are getting better, that it is Jesus Christ who answers my prayers.
Then Jesus answered and said, “Were there not ten cleansed? But the nine—where are they? Was no one found who returned to give glory to God, except this foreigner?” And He said to him, “Stand up and go; your faith has made you well.” Luke 17:17-19
Something that also struck me was that it was his faith that made him well. Today Djs dad shared with us how God answered his prayer because he believed that God would take that pain away. When I pray it should be genuine prayers, prayer that comes from deep with in and I need to realize that my God is a mighty God.. He has the ability to take care of any and everything!
But we have to question a Christianity that has so distorted the doctrine of grace that a simple call to obedience is mistaken for legalism. Challenging people to live the normal Christian life rather than accommodate themselves to sin is not a guilt trip or manipulation. These phrases are frequently used today as a smoke-screen defense by self-serving believers who don’t want their fantasy-land religion upset by truth. K.P. Yohannan- The Road to Reality
How true is this! A simple call to obedience that I can so often struggle with. Its is sad to me that so many professing Christians really do use this smoke-screen in their life’s and are choosing to do and follow others rather than the one and only true living God. God can move and do so much through us if only we listen to His callings on our life’s. Just like any relationship takes work so does this one.
Thank you Lord for constantly putting people, things and your word in my life to remind me I am called to be obedient.