I hardly check tumblr anymore. I hardly write anymore.
It is difficult for me to use words. How ridiculous does that sound that I struggle to use words to say clearly what goes on in my mind or what doesn’t go on in my mind. I’ll occasionally come on here to type away but I always end up back spacing then eventually just give up.
Sometimes there can be so much going on in my mind and heart but there is no where for it to go. Sometimes its just random silly stuff, other times its my I wonders or how comes and sometimes it is just too deep to try to communicate.
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It gets hard trying to fight discouragement.
Bloop Bloop Bloop
Last night I felt the need to make a list, a list of all my past and recent sins. The night came and went and I did not do it.
So this morning I woke up and still felt the need to make this darn list. It was hard to write down the things I’ve done.. to see how gross sin is and how one ties into the other so easily. It broke my heart to see what a horrible person I used to be and the hurt and pain I may have caused other people that were in my life at that time. You see God has shown me the depths of my sins and how they affect so many. As I was writing them down I couldn’t help but cry and realize how lost and broken I once was, but thanks be to God that they don’t hold me down. I am not chained up to who I used to be. This realization gave me such joy and made me so thankful that I have a Daddy who loves me so unconditionally. It made me so thankful that Jesus would live a perfect life just to take my place on the cross.
As simple as this realization was it was what I needed. Although in the beginning I didn’t understand why making the list was something that had to be done I understand now. The grace that has been given isn’t something small it isn’t something that should be taken lightly. It has defined me and made me new. I am a sinner saved by grace. How beautiful are those words.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:7
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I’ve proved You o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
I give up, I lay down
Rest my face upon this ground
Lift my eyes to Your sky
Rid my heart of all I hide
So sweet this surrender
I didn’t think I would actually write this year. But it is important that I do.. that I remember this day and can look back at it next year and see how the sixth year went for me.
I’d say that out of the six years I’ve now been clean that this one just the last 6 months have been the most trying most difficult but most rewarding. It is crazy to think back to this day and really really take a look at where I was six years ago. September 22. 2005 and onto the 23 I was ridiculously not “checked” in. I can so vividly remember my mom taking off my door and making me kneel while she prayed for my soul. I found it such a joke but how thankful am I today. I had my mama praying and begging God to move in me and for me to quit using meth. He answered her prayer even though I didn’t fully realize it at that point. This morning I’m not sure why but the Wednesday before all of this went down September 21 I remember being at youth group and feeling so convicted but not knowing what that even was at the time. I just felt so rotten and like everyone knew what I was doing, I felt like a fraud and like I didn’t belong.
Looking back I see how God had been preparing me for the surrendering I would be doing the next couple of weeks. It started with deciding that September 23 that I would never ever do meth again and it continued the next couple weeks as I decided to leave Monroe and go to that winter retreat at Angels Crest. There although I can’t remember the message like at all, I surrendered my life to Christ I realized the depth of my sins and how much of a Savior I really needed. He showed me that I could not find fulfillment in drugs or any other self destructive thing that I had been doing over the years.
Today I’ve been reminded of who I was and the fact that I never have to be that person again. I no longer have to feel empty and like I need to self medicate. Jesus is all I need and I pray that He will always be all that I need. The cross is what has gotten me this far.. but not the wooden thing no the person who gave their life on it. I am forever thankful that I’ve been ransomed that I’ve been redeemed that I’ve been made new.
Although this year a few temptations have crept back up God reminded me constantly of His Son and the fact that I don’t need to turn to those any more.
Thank you x a gazillion Lord. I pray that this next year.. the 7th year I’ll be clean that I continue giving the glory to you and realizing the depth of my sins and not forgetting how important You are and how important what You did on the cross for me is.